A Prayer and A Response
Do you ever feel lonely? Surrounded by lots of people, yet all by yourself? It is a miserable feeling. I sense it more and more, and it feels disconcerting. Can I control my loneliness? Can I affect whether or not it happens? Have I always been alone, only didn’t know it?
My growing sadness does stem from the feeling of isolation and alone-ness. I want to be with people who “get” me and who enjoy me. But perhaps there is no one. Perhaps I think I am an interesting person, worthy of attention, but in truth I am deluded. I don’t know that I have ever felt this shaky, this unsure of who I am. What is causing this whole painful experience and how can I shake it off, for good? It seems that this wave of loneliness comes over me, quite uncontrollably, seemingly unprovoked. In fact, it comes upon me even before I am aware of it; long before I even know it’s coming.
Tomorrow I want to sleep-in…ALL DAY. I want to hide away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and self-soothe and have a completely miserable day. I want to eat a whole package of fig newtons, or red vines. I want to eat chips and salsa for lunch and a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. I want to turn my phone off, and speak to no one all the ding dong day long.
I want to feel the full spectrum of my feelings and if the pain is there I want to wallow in it until I am utterly sick to death of it, and then wallow some more. I was to suffer a loneliness hangover. And like the bile that is present after a night of complete inebriation, I want to feel like I wish I were dead and gone. I want to swear-off EVER returning to that state of mind again. And then, I want to climb aboard the “happy” wagon and hold on for dear life. I want to live and love and laugh a lot.
Hello God. If you are so inclined, please send me a friend, new or old. Just one, so that I will not feel so desperately alone. Thank you.
The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
