Where Have You Been?
WOW! I guess I dropped of the face, I mean the screen of the computer for a bit. Seriously doubt that anyone noticed the little hiatus. Guess I just got busy with work and life. Those are good things. Anyhow, I just stopped by to check in.
I do believe I have some low-grade stress that is agitating and wearing on me. Change in my business and the crap that is going on in Washington, some what related. I really wish things would settle down and allow us to move forward with business. People are finally feeling the recession here. We had been humming along quite well, until about January. Now my customers seem fearful, uncertain.
It is time to make a decision, by the end of the month, on our lease. What to do. There are some properties available, and as much work as it is to relocate, I am considering it. I sure wish God would give me a clear sign.
Kids are good. Husband is still managing to keep his focus on himself. I wonder how things will shake out. Stay tuned, if you dare, and perhaps you will enjoy the ride.
Taking You By the Hand
I just read your email. Wow. I don’t even know where to start… I’ve been quiet on the subject. First let me say, I appreciate your circumstances in growing old together, and just how hard that must be. That being said, It seems like you could use your money on making your home easier and more accommodating to your needs. Stop sending money to Washington politicians, and spend it, instead, on things that can make the quality of life better, today. Because if either one of you takes a tumble, you will wish you had. But little good wishing, after the fact, will do. Please consider massage. It is an excellent therapy, on so many levels (mental & physical) and it helps greatly with healing and circulation.
Be good to each other. Please don’t be impatient with her, and please don’t yell at her. No one deserves that, no matter what. That makes her sad.
And lastly, I will tell you, because I don’t know if she will, or if she has. She does not want to go to the cabin this summer.
Find your joy. You have the money, you might as well use it. Hire help if your kids cannot help, because they have busy lives. If I lived closer it would be so much better. Life is full and busy, and sometimes we don’t always have the priorities we could. But you can’t guilt people into doing things, can you? The result isn’t really genuine, is it?
Now, I said “lastly” up above, but that wasn’t the last. THIS is: I love you. I love mom. I wish I lived closer so I could have some time, quality time, with you. I wish I could be close to help you and her, as Julie is doing. I wish you would recognize that this is a changing time, and one that you need to embrace and make the most, not deny that it is happening. I can only imagine the heartache and the difficulty in dealing with these days. I don’t pretend to. I am glad you are blogging, and I wish you did more. I wish you would blog for Mom too. It could be a great thing for both of you. I don’t know what you do with most of your days…but perhaps you could take 15 – 30 minutes and jot down some memories and thoughts. They are so rich.
I want you to know that I am here, an email or a phone call, anytime. I love you. I trust you and I believe in you. I respect you and hold you in high regard. And you and I have always had a straight relationship. We speak our minds to each other. And I love you enough to. I want you to know that I am hear, to help you, emotionally and mentally, to sort through these difficult and changing times. And if I could, right now, I would grasp you hand. And our eyes would meet, and you would know that I mean wholeheartedly every word you have just read.
Already Out
I did not sleep in today. I am up and around and trying to make something of my day. I can’t wallow. I won’t wallow. I am a winner. I think there is more to life than love and happiness, and I am not waiting around for either to show up. Taking this day, like everyday, as it comes and turning it into the best day it can be.
I hope you have a great day too!
A Prayer and A Response
Do you ever feel lonely? Surrounded by lots of people, yet all by yourself? It is a miserable feeling. I sense it more and more, and it feels disconcerting. Can I control my loneliness? Can I affect whether or not it happens? Have I always been alone, only didn’t know it?
My growing sadness does stem from the feeling of isolation and alone-ness. I want to be with people who “get” me and who enjoy me. But perhaps there is no one. Perhaps I think I am an interesting person, worthy of attention, but in truth I am deluded. I don’t know that I have ever felt this shaky, this unsure of who I am. What is causing this whole painful experience and how can I shake it off, for good? It seems that this wave of loneliness comes over me, quite uncontrollably, seemingly unprovoked. In fact, it comes upon me even before I am aware of it; long before I even know it’s coming.
Tomorrow I want to sleep-in…ALL DAY. I want to hide away from everything and everyone. I want to cry and self-soothe and have a completely miserable day. I want to eat a whole package of fig newtons, or red vines. I want to eat chips and salsa for lunch and a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. I want to turn my phone off, and speak to no one all the ding dong day long.
I want to feel the full spectrum of my feelings and if the pain is there I want to wallow in it until I am utterly sick to death of it, and then wallow some more. I was to suffer a loneliness hangover. And like the bile that is present after a night of complete inebriation, I want to feel like I wish I were dead and gone. I want to swear-off EVER returning to that state of mind again. And then, I want to climb aboard the “happy” wagon and hold on for dear life. I want to live and love and laugh a lot.
Hello God. If you are so inclined, please send me a friend, new or old. Just one, so that I will not feel so desperately alone. Thank you.
The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Coffee Today
I had coffee today, with Sheryl Crow at Starbucks. It wasn’t really the singer Sheryl Crow, but my dear friend. She looks a bit like Sheryl, but beyond that she is a wonderful soul. I love to visit with her because she has such a special and unique perspective. One that I don’t necessarily reflect, or embrace, but I do greatly appreciate it.
I love her for many, many reasons, but I think perhaps the greatest reason is the simple fact that when I am with her, I never, even for a second, feel judged. I don’t have many relationships with woman, perhaps for that very reason. I don’t want to compete with or try to out do or impress them. Frankly, I find it hard to give a crap about what women think of me. I typically don’t enjoy a conversation with a woman, because so much of the things that most women want to talk of is boring. But Sheryl is different.
She has 6 kids, like I have 6 cats, only different. (That is ridiculous!) But she is a very patient mom, and still so very “hip.” By her physique you would never guess she had so many. She is thin, and put together. He attire is jeans and cotton, and sometimes wool. Her clothes are cute, and not in the least bit stuffy. I like that. She has fashion sense and yet she will wear a beaded necklace made most certainly by one of her daughters. Although the beads may be shocking pink or chartreuse, she wears them like diamonds. By this she proclaims that her kids are of the greatest value and the trinkets that they make her are precious and worthy of display. I love her for that.
We met at Starbucks, as I mentioned. As we were sitting there, solving our little world’s troubles, her sipping a vanilla latte, and me an Americano, we were approached. A man, clearly familiar with her, came to our table to inform her that he had three “high security” job interviews lined up. What were we talking about? Can’t recall now, and it doesn’t matter now, nor did it really matter to this 40-something man. He wanted to give her a brief update, an interjection into whatever else might be going on in her life. That was it…he shared and went away. I asked her how she knew him, curious about the background there. He was just someone that she sees in this particular Starbucks on a recurring basis. I have a feeling if we coffee there again, we’ll see him. She said there are quite a few people she sees as a result of having coffee there.
Well…that’s all I have time for at this point.
Do I Sound Like a Whiner?
I get the call about 4:15p.m. Dinner is in the oven. He tells me, “I have this thing to go to across town. It starts at 6 and goes ’til about 8:30p.m. I don’t know how long I’ll stay, but you don’t have to worry about dinner. They’ll have food there.” Oh….OK.
So much in that conversation, but it mainly boils down to…”You’re an after thought, not a priority.” Nice of him to call.
When he gets home, at 7:30p.m. He asks if I have eaten, or if I’m hungry. I think to myself, “I don’t have to worry about dinner.” So, he’s in the kitchen, making himself something to eat. I’m working on some wedding planning for a client. No conversation.
Our conversations nearly always revolve around his cycling, his work. I hesitate to ask about his day, ’cause frankly I’m gonna get the 1/2 hour story. Occasionally, I genuinely care. But I’ll tell you it is less common than it has been. I feel sort of guilty about that, but I think it is a result of often feeling like an afterthought.
Lunch
We went to lunch today. He was home from work because it is a federal holiday, Presidents’ Day. He asked me to go. I managed to get my work done. So we went to lunch.
The food in and of itself was typical, average. Nothing I would crave in the future. The conversation started off slow as we searched for common ground. It was a start.
Last night as I was falling asleep while I tried to read a book, he acknowledge my valentine card. I didn’t turn towards him. I couldn’t. I thought I would have a complete melt-down if I saw his eyes. I didn’t want him to know how deeply hurt I felt. I think I thought it would give him a sort of power to know that he’d hurt me. If I wasn’t hurt, I couldn’t be manipulated. He told me he wanted to “recapture and rekindle the fun and the flame we used to have,” too. That’s what I had written in my valentine to him. The card itself read: “With All My Love” (on front cover) – “If there were nothing else but our love for each other I would still have all I need, Happy Valentine’s Day.”
I think it really said the way I feel.
Valentine’s Day
You know on this day, maybe more than on any other day, that you have a heart. Your heart today, feels loved, or perhaps ignored. It feels.
Today I feel the weight of emptiness in my life. A great sadness, although I do not cry, has swept into my heart. How and when can I sweep it out…be rid of it? What brings life, joy and love again? When I went for a run today, a thought occurred to me. The only one on this earth that can make me feel loved is me. That is, my happiness starts first with me. I can not look to another to bring joy and love into my life. Now how, if I believe I am currently unloved, can I expect that love will grow again within me?
My remedy is one day, after the other. Love me, love others. Find opportunities to love. Who did I love today? I love Alex with a hug and gentle words. I loved Kirsten with a phone call and a plan for lunch on Thursday. I loved my Pop by editing his blog, and kind words in an email. When I type these words, they sounds lame. Not tremendously exciting. Not especially spontaneous, interesting or deep. And you know…I guess that goes to show me, I get what I give.
Tomorrow I will work harder at loving those in my life who matter. I will make the most of each day, to love others, and be good to myself. I will work for the good, and create in myself a lovable person.
The Valentine card I picked out for my husband is signed & sealed in my underwear drawer.
Capsized
Capsizing refers to when a boat or ship is tipped over until disabled. The act of reversing a capsized vessel is called righting.
Sometimes I am forced to reflect on my life. My mind will allow nothing else. I must look at it. Truth is truth, and it requires a response. And when I am truthful with myself, I feel the whole breadth and width of my pain.
I know the source, but I do not know the remedy. I do not know how, at this point, to right the ship that lies with its mast in the still water. How do I remover the water which sinks it? How will I do this? Surely I need help. Surely I need an advocate, a partner. But I fear that if I try to right the ship alone, I will sink alone, with a worthless ship.
Is my ship like the Titanic, doomed? Should I just abandon the ship, and swim for shore? Can I send out an SOS and wait for a rescue? I’m not usually one to wait. I am a doer. I hope for answers that will help me to chart my course. I wonder, though, will it be a course alone?
I once read, the best way to overcome worry is to face it head-on. In your mind, go through your scenario, including the worst, possible outcome. Resign yourself to accepting your life should the worst happen. See yourself walk through it, dealing with it. Did you die? Can you make it through? If you identify the worst and accept it, everything that happens, no matter what, you are prepared for. For if you can handle the “worst” you can surely handle just the “sort of bad” scene.
Victory Day
What’s in a day. Twenty-four hours.
Some days we accomplish much. Some days we’re blobs, unproductive, unmotivated. Today I ran. It took me all of 18:28 minutes to accomplish the course. But I did it. I chose it. I purposed it. I did it. And today is a better day, than yesterday.
It is just one day…but if I do it again tomorrow…that is a start. That is another link in the chain.
I write this because sometimes I need the reminder of how good it makes me feel about me, when I do something to take care of me. One deed. One day.
See you tomorrow.
